Two years ago, this was the worst week of my life. I don't wanna go into detail for fear that it would just bring tears to my eyes. I am writing this down to somehow chase away the uneasiness I'm feeling lately every time my mind wanders again to past events, usually before I sleep and when I awake.
The main thing I'm holding on to is the fact that my big sister is strong. I know she is. And you may be wondering why I'm using present tense, it's because I want to. She will continue to live in my heart forever.
Before, she would chide me and call me crybaby whenever I get too emotional over something. And remembering the words that she told me about a month before she passed away, "You must learn to be strong for our family", I am keeping it in mind that I must live up to it. Whenever sad thoughts come my way, I have learned to force myself to think of something else, happy thoughts are better or rather thoughts of what I need to do and anything else that would make me forget about the harsh reality of our loss. I'm not sure if it's okay that I'm better at holding back tears after what happened. But I'm doing it so my mom and our family won't cry with me. Some probably think why I seem not that affected but if you only know what I'm going through inside, you wouldn't wish to be feeling the same way I do. Ever wanted to go on top of a mountain and shout away every worry, fear, sadness.. all pent-up emotions? Then you very well get what I mean.
Until now I can't be completely sure of God's plans. But I know He will get me and my family through. And I know Ate Ruvy Jane will be happier if we'll continue to do our best and be strong for her and for us. It's never easy but we need to. What I always pray is for her to be at peace and happy where she is right now, with God by her side. I miss you so much, My Best Sis. That's how your number has been stored in my phone since, you know that. I love you.